Me Too
Original: Pen on Paper
Dramatic Words
I was raped.
And it was horrible.
But I didn’t remember it was horrible. I didn’t remember it at all.
I spent almost 7 years with almost no memory that I was sexually abused. It’s wild what the brain can do to survive trauma. Luckily for him, I don’t remember his last name or even the month or the year he changed everything for me. That’s crazy to me- he changed everything for me, but I didn’t even remember the memory for the longest time.
Today I remember.
I remember we had sex a few times prior to the night.
I remember after foreplay he asked if he could fuck me.
I remember how painful it was the first time when I did say yes.
I remember saying no.
I remember him rolling on top of me, grabbing my arms and physically constraining me as he violated me.
I remember him being so strong.
I remember feeling one dimensional.
I remember being frustrated with myself that I was paralyzed.
I remember him finishing and rolling off of me, only to then tell me
“you could have at least pretended to enjoy it.”
I remember staying the night.
I remember when he texted me a few weeks later to tell me I should get tested and to be safe, a shot of Ceftriaxone.
It was his bedroom
and his bed.
Red sheets.
An uncomfortable composition.
Today I remember.
Today I remember that I will never allow a man to believe he has any power over me.
Today I remember that I have the power.
Today I remember all of my dimensions.
Today I remember that he was/probably is still a piece of shit.
Today I remember that I didn’t deserve that.
Today you hang on my wall
Right next to my canvas.
Today you are powerless.
Yo También
And it was horrible.
But I didn’t remember it was horrible. I didn’t remember it at all.
I spent almost 7 years with almost no memory that I was sexually abused. It’s wild what the brain can do to survive trauma. Luckily for him, I don’t remember his last name or even the month or the year he changed everything for me. That’s crazy to me- he changed everything for me, but I didn’t even remember the memory for the longest time.
Today I remember.
I remember we had sex a few times prior to the night.
I remember after foreplay he asked if he could fuck me.
I remember how painful it was the first time when I did say yes.
I remember saying no.
I remember him rolling on top of me, grabbing my arms and physically constraining me as he violated me.
I remember him being so strong.
I remember feeling one dimensional.
I remember being frustrated with myself that I was paralyzed.
I remember him finishing and rolling off of me, only to then tell me
“you could have at least pretended to enjoy it.”
I remember staying the night.
I remember when he texted me a few weeks later to tell me I should get tested and to be safe, a shot of Ceftriaxone.
It was his bedroom
and his bed.
Red sheets.
An uncomfortable composition.
Today I remember.
Today I remember that I will never allow a man to believe he has any power over me.
Today I remember that I have the power.
Today I remember all of my dimensions.
Today I remember that he was/probably is still a piece of shit.
Today I remember that I didn’t deserve that.
Today you hang on my wall
Right next to my canvas.
Today you are powerless.
Yo También
Palabras Dramaticas
Yo También
Fui violado.
Fue horrible. Pero durante casi siete años, no recordaba que fue horrible. No lo recordaba en absoluto. Mi cerebro hizo lo que tenía que hacer para mantenerme con vida, enterró todo.
Es increíble lo que el cuerpo hace para sobrevivir al trauma. No recuerdo su apellido. Ni siquiera recuerdo el mes o el año. Él cambió todo para mí, y durante mucho tiempo, ni siquiera podía acceder al recuerdo.
Hoy recuerdo. Recuerdo decir que no. Recuerdo que se puso encima de mí, agarró mis brazos, me contuvo físicamente. Recuerdo sentirme unidimensional, frustrado conmigo mismo por estar paralizado. Recuerdo que terminó y dijo: "Al menos podrías haber fingido disfrutarlo". Recuerdo quedarme a dormir. Recuerdo el mensaje de texto unas semanas después diciéndome que me hiciera la prueba.
Sábanas rojas. Una composición incómoda.
Hoy recuerdo. Y hoy recuerdo que nunca permitiré que un hombre crea que tiene algún poder sobre mí. Hoy recuerdo que yo tengo el poder. Hoy recuerdo todas mis dimensiones. Hoy recuerdo que él era ,probablemente sigue siendo, una mierda. Hoy recuerdo que no merecía eso.
Hoy cuelgas en mi pared, justo al lado de mi lienzo. Hoy no tienes poder.
Fui violado.
Fue horrible. Pero durante casi siete años, no recordaba que fue horrible. No lo recordaba en absoluto. Mi cerebro hizo lo que tenía que hacer para mantenerme con vida, enterró todo.
Es increíble lo que el cuerpo hace para sobrevivir al trauma. No recuerdo su apellido. Ni siquiera recuerdo el mes o el año. Él cambió todo para mí, y durante mucho tiempo, ni siquiera podía acceder al recuerdo.
Hoy recuerdo. Recuerdo decir que no. Recuerdo que se puso encima de mí, agarró mis brazos, me contuvo físicamente. Recuerdo sentirme unidimensional, frustrado conmigo mismo por estar paralizado. Recuerdo que terminó y dijo: "Al menos podrías haber fingido disfrutarlo". Recuerdo quedarme a dormir. Recuerdo el mensaje de texto unas semanas después diciéndome que me hiciera la prueba.
Sábanas rojas. Una composición incómoda.
Hoy recuerdo. Y hoy recuerdo que nunca permitiré que un hombre crea que tiene algún poder sobre mí. Hoy recuerdo que yo tengo el poder. Hoy recuerdo todas mis dimensiones. Hoy recuerdo que él era ,probablemente sigue siendo, una mierda. Hoy recuerdo que no merecía eso.
Hoy cuelgas en mi pared, justo al lado de mi lienzo. Hoy no tienes poder.
What was playing
the album All for Something by Tiny Habits
Today you hang on my wall.
Original | Hanging in my studio
Today you are powerless.
Original | Self portrait